“Move out of the way!” A little voice cried from behind me. I froze and my husband laughed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My son, who at the time was around four years old, was sitting in a coin operated truck at Walmart. He was happily pretending to be driving the truck when he shouted those words. The feeling of guilt and embarrassment rushed through me. He was acting just like me.
Children are quick to pick up behaviors from their primary caregivers, both good and bad. In fact, this particular behavior was a family trait or pattern that had been repeated through several generations of my family. I was definitely not happy to realize that my four-year-old was already picking up on it too. The good news of the situation was that I was now aware of it, and I could break the pattern by making a change in myself and modeling better behavior.
While changing some of our old habits, like this example, may seem fairly easy to do, we all know that it can be extremely hard for us to rid ourselves of more unconscious behaviors or sins that have plagued us. We find ourselves in a stronghold from the experiences and interpretations we have gathered from the world around us including our family, friends, community and larger culture.
The apostle Paul spoke about this in his letter to the Romans.
I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary. But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
Romans 7:14-20 (The Message)
Paul is admitting how impossible it is to break this stronghold. He wants to will it away with his own power but knows he can’t. There is an internal struggle going on in Paul, and this is an internal tension we each experience. If you continue to read Paul’s letter, you will discover the good news and the answer to this struggle.
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.
Romans 8:1-2 (NIV)
The tension or struggle Paul talks about is the shame we place on ourselves for not being able to do this on our own. We condemn ourselves for not being able to change. We condemn ourselves for getting in this situation in the first place. We condemn ourselves for not being good enough, strong enough, knowledgeable enough to make this change on our own.
Quit condemning yourself and putting expectations on yourself that God never put on you in the first place. The work of Jesus Christ restored our relationship to God, which in turn gives us the opportunity to be made new through the work of the Holy Spirit in us and through the community of believers around us. In these words, Paul is saying, it’s okay to ask for help!
It took me a while after that incident at Walmart to make the necessary changes to model better behavior for my son. I also didn’t do it alone. I asked for help and received it, from the Holy Spirit and the wonderful gift of my husband to hold me accountable. This gentle and loving accountability kept me aware of it and helped me pay better attention to it.
Today, I encourage you to willingly and fully ask for help from God to pay attention to the stories of patterns in your life. Invite the Holy Spirit to renew your mind and encourage a willingness in you to ask for accountability from the people God has gifted to you.
Next Step
If you are ready to take this step in making changes to the old patterns in your life and would like someone to come alongside you with compassion and caring, contact me. As a certified Enneagram Coach, I can provide you with the understanding and direction that can set you on a path to transforming your life.