Suzanne Bandy

Bind

“She is so bossy.” The words were a stab in my heart and a punch in my gut. These are the words my eleven-year-old self overheard from a classmate who did not know I was listening. She may not have intended for me to be hurt by them, and I’m sure she also did not intend for them to have such a significant impact on me. That was not her fault. It was the lie that my mind latched on to and has been bound by for most of my life.

I’ve known for a while that those words have held me back, particularly in my professional career. However, until I started learning more about the nine personality types described by the enneagram, I was not really sure why. God has used this tool to wake me up to the reasons that situation has so impacted my life.

Pay Attention

“Watch out!” I yelled as my son and husband laughed. My daughter looked at them with annoyance. It was funny, but I tried not to laugh because I knew she would get mad at me. She had unintentionally walked into a pole situated outside a store. Her father and brother had been walking in front of her but parted in order to go around the pole. Since she was behind them, she couldn’t see or be aware of what was coming. She was watching them but not paying attention to the reason they moved.

Control

“I really don’t like people.” The words stung and caught my attention, even as I laughed. The conversation was between myself and a person I had just met. It immediately brought judgment, but not possibly in the way you might think. It wasn’t the other person who was making the statement. It was me. I was the one who found myself admitting that out loud.

As I heard the words come from my mouth, I realized how sad it was that I truly felt that way. As I listened to myself, it was like God smacking me in the face and saying, “How can you serve my people if you don’t like them?” Pow!!

Capacity

Exhilaration. Joy. Accomplishment. These are the words I would use to describe the moment I ran my very first 5K race. Even after ten years, I can close my eyes and remember that feeling. Every race I run, that feeling returns. The half-marathon relay I completed with my husband. Five milers at my hometown Pumpkin Show. An 8K and a half marathon. Each time was just as exciting and rewarding.

You may be thinking, “big deal, a lot of people do that” or, on the flip side, “I could never do that.” For the majority of my life, I was part of the latter. There were numerous runners in my family, including my husband, my father, and my children. For years I had followed them around to cross country races and even helped organize some running fundraiser events. But not once did I think I had the capacity to run or finish one of these races myself.

Breathe

“Don’t forget to breathe!” is something I hear often whenever I am following a workout video. It seems like a silly thing to say. How can we forget to breathe? Yet, we do. There are many times in my workout when I realize I am holding my breath even with the instructor’s reminders. Why do we do that? Why do we hold our breath when the very thing we need to do is breathe?!

For the past several years I have selected a word for the year. As I reflected on last year and made my selection for this year, I decided to look up the meaning of this word. I was surprised to discover that breathe has several different definitions. Here are a few of the ones I particularly liked:

Patterns

“Move out of the way!” A little voice cried from behind me. I froze and my husband laughed. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My son, who at the time was around four years old, was sitting in a coin operated truck at Walmart. He was happily pretending to be driving the truck when he shouted those words. The feeling of guilt and embarrassment rushed through me. He was acting just like me.

Longing

My parents were gone. This was my chance. I went to the cupboard and found what I was looking for and began to eat. It was a can of powdered Kool-Aid. The kind that had the sugar already in it. As a kid, I loved it but, of course, my parents did not want me to eat it straight out of the can. Honestly, I think I liked it more because it was something they told me I wasn’t supposed to have. I really only thought about it when I knew they were gone and I could sneak it. It was like the only reason I longed for it was because they didn’t want me to want it.

Perception

Why was this so hard? I simply needed to pick a color, but I was stuck. There were so many different shades to choose from. It seemed silly that I was making such a big deal out of it. My friends and family had only clouded my thoughts as well. Each having a different opinion and offering their perception of what would look right.

Expectation

The first time I walked through the house, all I saw were the orange counter tops. It felt like I had stepped back in time. Disappointment radiated through my spirit. I knew this was going to be hard but I had fooled myself into thinking God would give me a shiny new house that looked just as I had imagined it. After all, I was forfeiting a lot to follow God’s call.

Perspective

The arguing had to stop and a decision had to be made. A family situation with my father’s health had put my sister and I at odds. In many ways this wasn’t new. We’ve been arguing with each other about different things since we were little girls. At least this is the way I saw it.