Who am I? It feels like a loaded question. My husband and I just moved to a new community. We are in the middle of meeting new people, which means we spend a lot of our time right now telling people who we are. This has been a challenging question for me. As I have become more self-aware, I realized I have been trying to build my identity on the wrong foundation.
As I’ve researched the meaning of identity, I’ve found the best definition is a true sense of self. Our identity is impacted by the unique set of characteristics that make me, me, and you, you. This includes our unique qualities, experiences, interests, genetic characteristics, and the relationships we experience in our lives. Our view of ourselves is impacted by each of these things, and how we view ourselves impacts how we interact with the rest of the world.
Identity can be very complex, and it is the core concern of our being. We want to belong and be known. Curt Thompson, author and psychiatrist, says we want to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure. Our identity as we grow is shaped by these things while we look for them. Most of the time, we are unaware we are even looking. A lot of our searching is done unconsciously, which is why practicing self-awareness is so important. It helps us capture the truest sense of ourselves as God imagined us.
For example, in my own self-exploration, I’ve learned my core desire is to be a peaceful presence that matters to others. That desire, in and of itself, is a good thing. But, when I bump up against things that disrupt my internal or external peace, my identity is shaken, and I find myself fighting to restore my peace through actions that usually just disrupt it further. It’s exhausting! I wear myself out trying to keep myself and the world around me peaceful.
All of us have some type of internal battle that is part of our personal growth and development. The good news is there is an answer. The answer is the same for all of us. Our identity, our desire to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure, can only truly be built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. We can find this truth in the words of Paul as he writes to the Corinthians:
By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as a wise builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should build with care. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.
1 Corinthians 3:10-15
If we build our identity on the world and what the world tells us we need to be, or even what our ego tells us we need to be, it is like building with wood, hay, or straw. It will be burned up when we run into struggles. If we build our identity by recognizing that we are already seen, soothed, safe, and secure in Christ, we are building with strong metals like gold that will not be destroyed in a fire.
For me, this means God gave me the wonderful attributes that make me a good mediator, peacemaker, and bridge builder. However, if I’m building my identity out of these qualities without the foundation being on the creator that gave me these gifts, then I will never truly be living into my fullness. My sense of self will come from what I do rather than who I am and who I truly belong to. I don’t want my identity to be built on being known and belonging to the world. I want my true sense of self to come from the ONE who truly knows me.
The enneagram has been a wonderful tool for me to identify how I have been building my own identity on a foundation other than who I am in Christ. It has been a valuable resource in helping me understand how I try to be seen, soothed, safe, and secure in the world. Through this tool and my own spiritual coach, I am learning to recognize when I’m falling back into the patterns of building my identity on anything other than Christ. This work has been vital to being a healthy leader. A healthy leader whose strength to survive the fire of this world comes from God and not anywhere else.
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